Did you find that perfect partner? 

So. Did. Heff.

This is the true story of Heff’s proposal to Josie. 

Author’s note:  If you also suffer from a mild, sometimes voluntary form of A.D.D. (this is too much reading and I have doom scrolling to do), skip to the end for an abridged version of this story. But you’ll be sorry.  This is similar to a Shaggy Dog joke in that it is very long winded.  And let me tell you about the story of Boris Borkovich next…but the surprise here is that there is no letdown on the punchline.  Everything worked out 😊.  This really happened.

Making the Ring

As we like to say, it was back in the “aughts”, but it really wasn’t and aught…it was the Fall of 2023 and Josie and Jeff were closing in on as quoted in the proposal “About a year or two” of a fantastic relationship.

As inspired by Leonardo DiCaprio and the movie Blood Diamond Heff thought “How do I Find the perfect ring for the F***ING perfect woman?” while at the same time avoiding a rare earth mineral/metal, preserving the surprise AND make Leo proud*.

*The entire point of Blood Diamond as I understand it is that ALL diamond rings are unethical and that ALL rings should be made of wood.  Wood is tougher than everything, better than everything, indestructible, and can do no wrong.  Let me talk to you about Janka Hardness.  Then we can move on to the energy stored in a kilogram of wood. But I am digressing again…

Back to the proposal story it was September 2023, and it seemed like a trip to Zales was inevitable.  Heff even stopped by a Shane Co. at a Fred Meyers and almost got roped into buying a temporary diamond ring.  But then the stars aligned, (or perhaps it was a moonbeam?), and along came a friend (one Mr. Dylan Fisher) who suggested that as a wood guy I could make her a ring, thus preserving the surprise, reducing the destruction of the rainforest,  AND….as a bonus…Dylan knew how to do the whole thing.  Sometimes the easy, cheaper method is the right one.  What’s my favorite movie?   The Count of Monte Cristo.  Why?  The ring made of yarn.  “This will be my ring and you’ll never see it off my finger.”  I’ve watched that part a hundred times.

So the mustachioed genius had the bright idea and we ran with it.  Leading up to the Halloween party, some fun sneaky stuff was happening; man-only dates in the wood shop, Heff snooping around Josie’s jewelry boxes to observe (and try on) every ring she owned.  Two observations:  all seemed to fit his pinky finger, and a strange appreciation for how ladies rings look on his finger developed.  A career in hand modeling perhaps?   Anyways, the diameter of the one ring was found! 

The first man date in the wood shop was much like the first date on the boat (e.g. fairly romantic, eventful).  We toiled away and had our first candidate – an all black ring.

The second, third and better part of the fourth man dates produced a ring that was top heavy (as though it had a jewel) and was a sandwiching of Blue Mahoe (a blueish exotic wood) and Black Walnut.  It looked OK, but just wasn’t right….and it wasn’t f***ing perfect.

So we went back to concept of a simple all black ring but that first product fit Heff’s index and was way too big for the (f***ING) perfect lady.  It looked good, but needed another touch.  Thus the pure white ring was created.  Just imagine the opening scene of Lord of the Rings – except it was a dusty woodshop.  

Fun Fact:  The sapwood of a tree is where the LIFE is, where the nutrients flow.  Its usually a different color than the heart wood.  The sapwood of a Black Walnut tree is pure white.  Pure as the driven snow.  Pure as a the mostly flat surface of a Heff’s Hardwood table sanded to 220 grit.   How appropriate. After four sweaty man dates, WE HAD A RING! 

On to the easier part – planning a kickass party and the surprise.

 Several friends were in on the secret.  The proposal was happening at 10PM.  When you are nervous and get distracted easily at a party – its good to have friends that keep you on schedule. I can never keep to a schedule when a party is happening.  But thanks to the friends who reminded me “Jeff its getting late, we’re old, make the proposal happen at 10 PM”)

Some friends were under the impression that a special toast or lighting of a Christmas tree was happening at 10. And like any proper toast we needed a loadspeaker and a mic.  In comes Tauschia, Josie’s friend.  She had to have spent an hour collecting AA batteries and making sure the mic worked.  The ruse was that I wanted to have a Karaoke machine at the party.  Huge shout out to T for making the mic happen.  You’re the best! <3

The proposal

So 10 PM came and everyone gathered round.   Josie as the disco witch, and I as the Halloween Witch’s roller disco kitty cat gathered all the people in preparation for lighting the tree.  I made sure nobody left and waited for Loren to arrive. “LOREN WHERE’S LOREN?”.   Carlos, Alex, and Yash tried to leave but I begged them to stay a little longer….The older folks in on the secret kept pushing me “DO IT JEFF GET IT DONE.  ITS GETTING LATE”

The clock struck 10ish…and the speech began.  Everyone was gathered around the Renton Driveway.  The fires were raging, a Swedish candle was doing its job in the foreground.

Heff Began: “Everyone give it up for Josie – she did a great Job decorating!” 

***This was followed by a slightly awkward silence as Heff on roller skates with cat ears, a tail, and some disco balls fumbled through his furry costume for the ring.  He put the mic down and got on one knee….***

Now…had Heff spent more time on the proposal plan, and less time drinking beer, it would have went something like this…(with the ring in hand and not stuffed in a pocket):  “Babe – you’re the best.  We have so much fun together and I want to to spend the rest of my life with you, skiing the world and building beautiful things.  You’re fucking perfect, will you marry me?”

What Heff actually said was a little less refined, but he still managed to get the last part in there.

“Josie Keller - Will you marry me, you’re the love of my life and you’re fucking perfect.”

She said YES. 😊

Short Version:  It was Halloween 2023, the annual epic party hosted by Josie and Jeff.  Josie had no idea, and everyone was expecting a toast, the torching of a Christmas tree, and Karaoke.